An Updated “How To Win Friends”

NeverSplitDale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends and Influence People is a classic, and absolutely required reading for anyone who wants to make the world a better place.

A new book – Never Split the Difference, by Christopher Voss and Tahl Raz – picks up where Carnegie left off. Ostensibly a book about negotiation, it really is a book about dealing with others – how to read them, listen to them, and discern and understand their motivations.

While the entire book is interesting (also check out his organization’s blog), with lessons framed in the context of various negotiations, I found these excerpts to be particularly insightful for anyone who wants to open another person’s heart and mind to new ideas and possibilities:

[W]ithout a deep understanding of human psychology, without the acceptance that we are all crazy, irrational, impulsive, emotionally-driven animals, all the raw intelligence and mathematical logic in the world is little help in the fraught, shifting interplay of two people negotiating.

Tactical empathy is understanding the feelings and mindset of another in the moment, and also hearing what is behind those feelings so you increase your influence in all the moments that follow. It’s bringing our attention to both the emotional obstacles and the potential pathways to getting an agreement done.

It’s emotional intelligence on steroids.

[T]he Behavioral Change Stairway Model (BCSM) … proposes five stages – active listening, empathy, rapport, influence, and behavioral change – that take any negotiator from listening to influencing behavior.

[A]s cardiologists know all too well, you more than likely haven’t gotten there yet if what you’re hearing is the word “yes” … the sweetest two words … are actually “That’s right.”

[W]hile innocent and understandable, thinking you’re normal is one of the most damaging assumptions in negotiations. With it, we unconsciously project our own style on the other side. [T]here’s a [big] chance your counterpart has a different style than yours. A different ”normal.”

[T]he Golden rule is wrong. The Black Swan rule is: don’t treat others the way you want to be treated; treat them the way they need to be treated.